Reality; Fuck It

I am sick of the conditioned part of myself that tries to pretend nothing is wrong. I am also sick of my need to not bother other people with my pain. I hurt all of the time, and will for the foreseeable future. I wake up in pain and spend every waking moment trying to feel better, just to go to bed still in pain. This is my life and has been for around three years now.

I realized this morning that part of the reason I am reluctant to walk my dog when I am in a lot of pain is because I don't want other people to see me in pain. I hate people feeling bad for me, or asking if I am okay. As I think about it, I am sure this is the same reason I quit hanging out with a lot of people over the years. I don't need a pity party, and I assumed my real friends would come see me. Now I live in a different town. I don't hang out with anyone here. I don't want to live here at all, but what choice do I have? I can't work enough to pay my own rent. I am miserable.

I am getting worn down. I have debt and I don't know how I am ever going to make enough money.

Oh, work. How I have been treated like a worthless piece of shit by so many employers. Some were nice enough to pretend to cared about my condition before putting me on a medical leave I never asked for, others made a point to let me know I wasn't worth my paycheck before firing me. I even have a last pay stub that says in bold red letters "terminated for medical reasons". Those three jobs were just last year.

I have tried very hard not to let these things get to me, but they do. I still apply for jobs, though I am not sure why. I guess I don't want to give up yet. The ADA exists, but good luck finding anyone who isn't disabled that gives a shit.

That's all for now. I'm kinda sick of writing here because the people that read it don't tell me, except for three people, and everyone else I actually see in real life doesn't care. I can write for myself in a fucking journal.

The world doesn't want to change, and people don't want to be happy. I'm not going to be the one to change that. That's reality.

*********************************************************

The really cool thing about the digital age is anyone can change history. Two days ago I said, fuck it. But now I'd rather burden all of you readers with all the things that make me furious in this world. From here on out I will try to write about the ways I believe our world is flawed, and also provide examples of other ways we can live, maybe better ways to do things. I know I don't pretend this is a world I want to bring children into, or even live in the way it is for the rest of my life. I want to expand people's minds, help them see that change is easy, peace is just sitting around waiting for us to stop fucking around and enjoy it.

So, from here on out, I will try to be the change I want to see in the world. I just get moody sometimes, okay? Get over it!